Newspaper of Bedford Gazette, February 15, 1861, Page 1

Newspaper of Bedford Gazette dated February 15, 1861 Page 1
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VOLITIi; 37. NEW SERIES. & <& sj -> •O O Pays the entire cost tor Tuition in the most pop ular ami successful Commercial Schooi in the coun try. Upward of TWELI'JS HUNDRED y ung men from TWENI Y-EIGHTi different States, have been educated for business here within the past three years, some of whom have been employ ed as Sook Keepers at salaries ot $2000.00 PER ANNUM, immediately upon graduating, who knew nothing of accounts when they entered the College. [X7*M'.nisters' sonsjhalf price. Students enter at any time, and review when they please, with out extra charge. For Catalogue of 85 pages, Specimens of Prof. Cowley's Business and Ornamental Penmanship, and a large engraving of the College, inclose twen ty-five cents in l'ostage Stamps to the Princi- JENKINS& SMITH Jan. IS, 1860. Pittsburg, Pa. fi \i.A : LRGAIXS . C. EAT BARGAIN'S ! GREAT BARGAINS! Wishing to re uce c.r stock low as possible by Spring, we wii. oifer every description of WINTER GOODS 1 WINTER GOODS ! WINTER GOODS AT COST, FOR CASH. AT COST, FOR CASH. AT COST, FOR CASEI. Heady made Clothing at Half-Price. EyCALL AND SEE FOK A. B. CRAMER Jt CO. pan. 14, 1851. TOUBLICSALE OF i VALUABLE REAL ESTATE. The undersigned will otier at public sale, on the premises, on Friday, 15th March, next, his property at the "Turn." one mile below Bed .or ', containing about one hundred t acres This property is well arid favorably located—is good land, w. 1 a 50 ac res un der good fence, and has a water-power on it that is not surpassed by any in the county. It is at a point where a grist mill would command the custom ola Urge part of Snake Spring Valley, Friend's Cove, the ■•'Dutch Corner," and Bedford and vicinity. It lies on both sides of the turnpike, wbere the flail road, when made, must run Within a few rods of the mill seat. The undersigned feels bound to self, and a bargain can be had. Terms : One third in hand, and the balance in three payments, without interest. For paiticulars address Cessna Ar Shannon, Bedford, P., or WM. CH ENOW FTTH, Jan. 25, ISC 1. Bed! ord, Pa ECEIPTS AND EXPEN DIfUREii~ ' Of the n rnbsfst' - , =fsil P "-—i Tiyniike roa, •Compa ny fur the year e, Jan. /in, DR. CR. To balance at last 1 By amount of expen set'mt, §3,385.84. | ses, $4,080.73J Receipts, 4,051.40. | Dividends paid aim -e last settlement, 12 276.12$ S. Barnhart's judg ment and costs 042.C8 Managers' pay 200.05 Sec'y. and Treas" J rer, 100,011 !Bal. in Treasury, 1 ,687.7( $8 ,337,24 Unpaid dividend, §2,133,97 vv. h. McDowel l, Jan. 25, 1861. Treasurer. A DMINISTRATOR'S NOTICE.— -it The undersigned having been gt anted letters of administration on the FNtate of Dr. M. L. Alii on, late ofSchellsburg Borough, dee'd., a II per sons indebted to said Estate are hereby notiU"d to make immediate payment and those having claims against the same, will present them proper ly au thenticated for settlement. N. B. I have appointed John S. S.-hel!, Esq., of Schellsburg. to act tor me in my abscence, .-and all persons indebted to, or having claims against the Estate, can settle with him. W. M. ALLISON. Feb. 1, ISGI. Aifmini stiator. tm \ TTEN FION ! BEDFORD R I FLE A t\ MEN. — You are hereby otdered to meet ** for Parade, at the Couit Hou e, in Bedford, on Friday the 22d of February, 1851, at 10 o'clock, A.M., in full Winter Uniform, (with Plume.) It is desire ! by the Bri gade Inspector that there be a fud tuin out. Verv important business will be put before the Company on that occa boin _ P,y ordr of '.he Captain. GEORGE STIFFLER, Jan. 18, ISCI. 8 ' 1 EXECUTOR'S NOTICE. i Let.ters tesfementary upon the estate of James Hint jn, of Napier tp., dee'd., hiving been granted the 'undersigned, notice is hereby given to those indebted to the estate to make immediate payment, and those having claims will present them for payment. SHADR ACH HIM ON, of Napier tp., J. C. F'.LY, of Schellsburg, Ex'ors- U7HY NOT ? WHY NOT ? Save yt.ur motiy, By buying your goods of OSTF.R & EARN, Cheepide. Yr find it 'he cheapest place in town. The' 1 ave just received another choice selec tion ol new and c nice Winter goods. Their etock is large,2nd e. ei to the wants of the community. Ca,. r.d tee. Dec. 11th, 1860. H BANCROFT .X ( <> , IMPORTERS N WHOLESALE DEALERS IN FRENCH, GERMAN AND ENGLISH FANCY GOODS, .Vo. 330 Market Street, Philadelptirn. May 18.'60.-1 yr. f _ FRANK. JACKSON, PRINTER AND STATION KB. 439 CHESTS I T S I REE I, PHILADELPHIA. Mav IS,'CG.-1 yr. MRS. HALE'S RF.CF.I I'TS fm tie million, at Dr. Hairv's. rspKE BEDFORD G-AZETTE " IS PUULISHEG EVERY FRIDAY MORNING 25 V Si. F. MilVllltK, At th following terms, to wit: SI .50 per annum, CASH, in advance. $2.00 " " if paid within the year. $2.50 " " if not paid within the year. ; subscription taken for less than six months, j K?~>io pa, - discontinued until all arrearages are j paid , imle>s at the option of the publisher, it has | Tieen decided by the ! T nited States the; •stoppage of a newspa, .r without toe payment ot ar- , rearages, is pri. la jurie evidence of Jraud and is a j criminal offence. CC?*The co'.'-' have decided that persons are ac- i countable for * übscription price of newspapers, if the} take them lrom tbe post oilice,whether hey subscribe for them, or not. .Select p o c t r n. ARISTOCR ACT. Perhaps the best hint at Kepubli can Aristocracy, of which the present age is so prolific, i is the fol ! wing from the pen of J. G. SAXK. Jt has a uni versal application, and is warranted good for all j localities : Of all the notable things on earth The queerest one is pride of birth, t "Among our fierce Democracy !" A bridge accross a hundred years. Without a prop to save from sneers— Not even a couple of rotten Peers— i A thing for laughter, sneers and jeers, Is Ameiitan Aristocracy ! .Depend upon it, my snobbish friend, Your family thread you can't ascend, Without good reason to apprehend, You may find it waxed at the farther end, By some plebeian vocation! Or, worse than that, your boastsd line May t d in a loop of stronger twine, That p agued some worthy relation ! Because you flourish in worldly affairs, Doift be haughty and put on airs, With insolent pride of station ! Don't be proud and turn up your nose, At poorer people in plainer clothes, But learn for the of your mind's repose, That "--ulth'Vi a bubble that comes—and goes ! And that all proud flesh, wherever it.grows, : Is sufject to irritation ! KITTY'S NEW COLLAR- ; Kitty Culting was a nice plump little maid- j en of eighteen summers. Her uncle was a j miller, and well to do iu the world. As Kitty j was likely to be an heiress, this consideration ' alone would have attracted lovers, even it Kit- j ty herself had been considerably les attractive j than she really was. 1 11 Tt . f rb;it Vn'iCy Y"' *: -1 to Centre on a young man whom her uncre oy no means approved. This was Henry Billings, a vuung larmer in the neighborhood. The miller's sole ground ot disapproval was, that the young man had not quite so large a share ol worldly possessions as he thought his niece had a right to expect. The consequeuce was that he torbade young j Billings the house, and told Kitty to give him j Up. Her eyes snapppd in a very decided manner, ! and though she said nothing, it was evident ; that she meant considerable. However, she was obliged to dissemble, and Harry thought it prudent not to approach the j house wheu tne miller was at home. Byway ' ot compensation, Kitty was in the habit ot let ting hirn know when her uncle was absent, and j on tb ese occasions they would pass a social eveiuog together in the <jreat square kitchen, Kiltv silting upon one siile intent upon her , knitting, and her lover tully occupied in look- j ing at h-r. He had always succeeded in get ting away from the house before the miller arr. ved, otherwise there would have been 'd ■ a scene. ""Kitty,"' said her uncle one day, " I have got to be avvav this evening, and probably shall not ; be back before eleven oi twelve o'clock." Kitty's eyes sparkled—l dare say my read er: may guess why. "I have got to go over to a town ten miles ; dsstant, to see Squire Myden. He owes me some money, so you will have to pass the, evening by yourself." "1 don t think I shall feel lonely," said Kit- ! ty , demurely, 'T shall be so bus_y. ' "1 shall oe home as soon as possible, ' said t'he miller. | "Don't hurry on my account," said kilty, i nnocentiy. The mtiier went over to his work, and Kit fly hastily penned the following note to harry : "DEAR HARRY :—Uncle is going avvav this ''Ys.ening, and thinks-he will not be hack betoie •eleven or twelve o'clock. J thought you .might like to know. KITTY." Folding this up and directing it to her lover, she called a little boy who was passing. "Do von want to earn three cents ?" she asked. "Don't I, though !" exclaimed young America* "Then carry this over and give it to Mr. E.tilings, and mind you den't let any one see it.." The boy nodded understanding!)', and was off on his mission. Kitty was unusuallj' lively through the da , and desitous ot her uncle's departure. "I'm afraid it's going to snow," said the miller, looking at the clouds. "O, no, it won't," said Kitty, very decided ly. "You seem quite positive about it," Raid her uncle. "At any rate, I dou't think it wt!i, said Kitty. "One might almost think that you wished l lo get ine oil", remarked the miller, considera bly nearer the truth than he imagined. "So I do," said Kitty, with lucky sell BEDFORD, PA., FRIDAY MORNING, FERUARYIS,IB6I. j possession. "You said, uncle, you expected to i receive some money, and I thought it you did i you might give a little to buy ine a new col lar." j Precisely ten minutes after the miller's cart was seen rumbling up the road, Henry Billings j made his appearance. ' Perhaps the reader will not be astonished at his hitting time so well, when he learns that 1 Harry !.ad been watching round the corner lor 1 more than an hour in great impatience lor this ' signTthat the coast was clear. "Hood gracious Harry, how you surprise ~ie," she said, looking up with a merry smile. "So unexpected, you know." ' I thought I'd just look in upon you," said he, with an answering smile. "1 suppose your uncle is at home 1" "I am sorry to say that he will be away all the evening. You wili have to call agaiu." "A guess I'll sit down and wait till he comes back, ' said Harry, taking a seat in as immedi ate proximity as he dared venture upon 1 am not going to detail the conversation that took place that evening between Kilty and her lover. Though interesting to them, I have strong doubts whether it would be equally so to my readers. The gen ral subject, however, was ways and ineaus to propitiate the determined uncle, and remove the o -tacies to their union. This, however, was rather a difficult matter, and they could nut decide upon anything which they thought would answer the purpose. Meanwhile, tune was passing, and that rapidly. Ten o'clock came. Kitty and her lover Wc-re engaged in an in teresting disquisition, when, to their inexpressi ble consternation, the iamihar rumble of the miller's cart was heard as it entered the yard. "Good gracious !" ejaculated Kitty, "what could have brought uncle home so soon ?" "It'sonly ten minutes past ten," said Harry looking hurriedly at his watch. "Something or other has happened to hasten his return. Is it possible he suspects your be ing here ? Oh wiiat will he do it tie hods you here 1" "He can't do any more than order me out of the house," said Harry. "Don't betalarmed, Kitty, I will take all the blame." cau escape. You must." Tnis seemed impossible, as just then the miller was heard knocking his feat agaiust the scraper. "Quick, Harry, let me hide you in the clos et !" She llew to ihe closet, opened the door, pushed in the bewildered Harry, and buttoned hirn in. Then, with a lace a little flushed, she plump- in the racking chair, and was knU "Hey) Kitty," said her uricll?; " a l f ' r V&\i>erac you didn't expect to see me so soon." "No, uncle," said Kitty. "Why it isn't much more than ten." "The way of it was, I happened to meet the Squire at the store four miles this side ol bis house, and we transacted our business there. So you see 1 gamed an hour or so in that way." "i wisii to goodness the Squire had stopped at home," thought Kitty. "Have you been louely, Kitty ?" inquired her uncle. "No, .-T," said his niece, demurely, "I was I busy , y in know." "You aie getting to be quite industrious." The miller took off'his boots and sat down j composedly at the fire. I Kitty was in hopes that lie would goto bed, in order that she might give her lovei a chance to escape. But he did not appear at all in ; clined to go. "Isn't it most bed-time, uncle?" said Kitty. "1 don't know how it is, but I dou't feel at all sleepy to-night." ! "But if vou are sleepy don't wait for me." "(11l !" said Kitty, looking particularly wide awake, "I tee! as if I could sit up all uighl." "Where is the weekly paper, Kitty ?" Kitty would like to have said she didn't know, tor if she} knew her uncle got hold of'that lie would quite disregard the passage ol time. Unfortunately there was the paper on Hie table under the kitchen glass. It was the : fust object that met her gaze as she looked up. "I see I'm in for a siege," said Kitty to her self, "but I shall stand it as long as 1 can.— j That's a comfort. But I'm afraid Harry will find it pretty dull work in the closet. \\ hat j would uncle say if he should lind out he was jthere." I Hall an hour passed. Toe miller, who was a slow reader was in ! tent upon a story which interested him. Kit ty saw itli a despaiiing glance that he was ; not quite half through it. Sne was beginning to be sleepy- herself, or ! would have been if she had not so much to ! keep her awake. "Kittv," said her uncle, looking up sudden ly, -you had better go to bed. It's most elev- I en o'clock." | '-Are you going to bed, uncle ?" "Not just yet. It's a pretty cute one. But [ shan't need any company. So don't sit up on I my account." "I should not go to sleep if 1 went 'to bed, ! uncle. Besides, I want to get so much done i before 1 gj to bed." ' j "Well, child, just as you like. Bless me, what's that ?" ' j Kitty turnes pale. There was a surpressed noise in the closet. Harry had evidently got j tired of his constrained position, and was stir ! ring a little. "It must be the cat," said Kitty hurriedly. ' "The cat ! Do you allow her to be in the closet ? She ought to be driven out." I ! The miller rose but Kitty hurriedly anticipa j ted him. . I ! She went to the closet, opened it a trifle, and ■ called "Scat !" "No the cat is not there," she said retur [ i ning to her reat. Freedom of Thought and Opinion. Quarter of an hour passed. Again a noise more decided in its character was heard. Harry's elbow had happened to strike a plate, and it lell with a sudden crash upon the lloor. "I'll see what it is," exclaimed the miller, rising. He threw open the door, and out rushed Harry, looking rather foolish. "Well, 1 never ?" exclaimed the miller. Before he had time to say anything lurther, Kitty said hurriedly, "Uncle, didn't you promise roe a collar V "Yes," replied he, but— Kitty pressed to the side of her lover, who passed his arm about het neck, and then she ?aid, while her eyes twinkled with mischief, "this is the collar! want, uncle. You promised me, you know." "And I'll keep it, Kitty," said the miller, laughing heartily, "no matter what it costs," Two months from that day Kitty Cutting changed her name. Some years have [elapsed, but she has not yet got tired of the collar her uncle gave her. HALF AY HOUR IN A RAILROAD , TICK ET OFFICE. Traveler—"New York ;" planking the price of a ticket. The ticket clerk jerks out a tick et, and jerks in the money almost in an instant, w:tnout a word, and the travelprj gives place far the next comer, who perhaps has the 6ame destination, but who occupies much more time in making his wants kuown, something after this style : "What's the fare to New York ?" "Four dollars." • "How long atore you start ?" "Ten minutes." "A ti—er—can you change a fifty dollar bill ?" "Yes sir." "(jive ine change in Boston money (laying out the fifty) and in five dollar bills if you can." (Change is made and ticket thrown out in al most a second of time.) "Do you get to New York now as usual ?" "Yes sir." "What time does [the Filidelfy train leave to-morrow morn in'?" "Seven thirty." By this time the gerit has gathered up his hank notes, folded them up, put them smoothly luto a pocket-book, poked his umbrella into the stomach of a heated individual from the ru ral districts who wa3 waiting nervously behind him, an I by the delay caused the collection of a half a dozen of o'ther applicants for tickets. Vext comes the countryman's turn, j/reivlessly] "Ticket lor Boston?" SJfifn oh—er 1 'rvspatf. . . want to go *.o Plvmtoii—ville"—[no show of money.] "Forty-five cents ?"—[waiting for ashow of fund.] "Yes, wal, I'll take one ticket." "Yes, sir, forty-five cents." By this time gent from the rural district comprehends the pay in advance principle a dop'ed at ail well-regulated railway stations ; and fining into the profound depths of his pan taloons pocket, withdraws, in a capacious hand a miscellaneous collection, which, from a hasty glance, appears to be composed of a piece of * cavendsh tobacco, a lead pencil, a piece of red chalk, hr^ejack knife, a political medal, leath er shoe-string, a couple of buttons, a suspender buckle.and some change. From the latter a twenty five cent piece, two half dimes, two three c<nt pieces, and tour cents are laboriously extractd and deposited on the counter, from which hey are rapidly swept by three or four dexterots passes of the clerk, who turns to serve a lady. I "1 vint a lady's ticket to Providence," — deposing a five dollar note. Clerk throws out a "ladyi ticket," which bears a striking simi larity t, and in fact would be called a twit, brother!d a "gentleman's ticket," an j a j so [( le change t the same time. Lady cautiously ex amines i bank note she has received in exchange "Is this'i good bill ?*' "Ceiuniv, madam, we give none other." Lady-etires perfectly satisfied. The next custom? is an illustrious exile, whom we have every [ason to suppose has recently fared sumptuosly upon a repast in which onions must hae figured conspicuously as vegetable, and moerate-priced whiskey as the principle beverag. "Shu j , what is the phrice of a ticket now to Nee arrk ?" "Dec passage, two dollars and a half." "VVnldn't you taken dollar and siventy-five cints ? sure it's all the money I've got at all. "No [wo dollars and fifty cents." [FerSisively]—"Shure, wouldn't ye take two doljrs ?" , "Not cent less tban two fifty. [Emphati cally.] Pass out your money or pass on !" Pat fding blarney and persuasion of no use in this Btance, counts out his cash, which the quick e? oftlte clerk discovers to be a little short olhe required amount. ! "Thiv cents more." I'he tray three cent piece is reluctantly , droppeiifrom Patrick's warm palm, and the i individd who succeeds anxiously inquires "what tme the five o'clock train leaves," and is serioij informed "at sixty minutes past four." The xt inquires—"Has Mr. Smith bought | a tickebr this train ?" "Cansay, sir ; don't know him." "Oh,e is a <terk complexioned man, had on a naiovercoat, and an umbrella under his arm." In coideration of the fact that about fifty "dark Ciplexioned" individuals, with "dark overcoat* on, ftiad purchased tickets of the clerk, ae having umbrellas under their arms : and sonnot, it is not very extraordinary that he doesit recollect wluch one is Mr. Smith. I All the time these negotiations are going on, eager interrogators on the [outer circle of the crowd about the office are propounding ques tions, and a running fire of them and replies fill up every possible pause. "When does the next train start ?" "Ten minutes of five." "Say you ! what do you tax to Mansfield ?" "Seventy-five cents." Sailor—"Purser, give us a card to new Bed ford." Slaps down a new coin, sweeps ticket and change back all into the crown of ins hat, takes a bite of the weed, and rolls off to a car "well forrard." "Does this train stop at L ?" "No ! this is the express train." " Which one does ?" "Accommodation—leaves at 2J o'clock." "Ticket'n'arf to Providence." "How old is the hail ticket ?" "Hey ?" "How old is the child you want the half i ticket for ?" "Tween seven and eight." "Is that the boy ?" pointing to a lad about | eleven, who was endeavoring to make himself i look short as possible, by crooking his legs aud ] resting his chin on the counter." "Yes, that's him, s'pose you only charge half price for boys." "Full price lor him sir." "Full price! wh'y he's only a boy; ver hadn't ought fo charge full price." "Big enough to occupy a seat, sii ; full price if you please." The applicant reluctantly draws out the money, and the boy grows some eight or ten inches in stature in as many seconds. "Ticket for New York," (says another, ! throwing down a ten note. The clerk gives a rapid glance at the bank note, followed by a keen, searching one at the applicaut, aud then replies : "Counterfeit." The dropping of the under jaw, the blank and stupified amazement of the latter at this announcement proves at once the official's judgment was (correct, and that the applicant was unconscious of the character of the note until be tendered it in payment lor a ticket. MESSAGE OF THE PRESIDENT. To the Senate and House of Representatives of the United Stales : I deem it my duty to submit to Congress a series of resolutions adopted by the Legislature of Virginia on the I9ih instant, having in view a peaceful settlement of the existing questions which now threaten this Union. They were delivered to me on Thursday, the 21th instant, by Ex-president Tyler, who t bae left his dignified and honored retirement in the hope that he may rWldex. service to hi* rr>-.mrw ; n *h* <u These resolutions, if will be perceived, ex tend an invitation to all such States, whether slavebolding or non-slaveholding, as are willing to unite with each other in an earnest effort to adjust the present unhappy difficulties in the spiritvin which the constitution was originally formed, and consistently with its principles, so as to afford the people of the slavebolding States adequato guarantees for the security oi the rights, to appoint commissioners to meet on the fourth day of February next, in the city of Washington, similar commissioners apuointed by Virginia, to consider, and if praciicable, agree ujxra some sort ol adjustment. I conlessl hail this rnovemeut on the part of Virginia with great satisfaction. From the past history of that ancient and renowned com monwealth, we have the fullest assurance that what she has undertaken she will accomplish, if it can bedone by able, enlightened and per 83Vt r ng[eJorts. It is bighlyigratifying to know that other patriotic States have appointed com missioners to meet those of Virginia IQ council. When assembled, they will constitute a body entitled in an eminent degree to the confidence of the country. ihe federal Assembly of Virginia have also resolved, "that Ex-President Tyler is hereby appointed by the concurrent vote of each branch of the General Assembly a commissioner to tiie President of ihe United States, and Judge John Robertson is hereby appointed by a like vote a commissioner to the State of South Carolina and all other seceding States that have seceded, or shall secede, with instructions to respectfully request the President of the United States, and the authorities ot such States to agree to abstain pending the proceedings contemplated by the action of this General Assembly, from any and all acts calculated to produce a collision ot arms between the Slates and Me government ol the United States." However strong may be ray desire to enter into such an agreement, I am convinced that I do not possess the power. Congress, and Con gress alone, under the war-making power, can exercise the discretion of agreeing to abstain from any and all acts calculated to produce a collision ol arms between this and any other government. It would therefore be a usurpa tion fort fie Executive to attempt to restrain their hands by an agreement in regard to mat ters over which he has no constitutional con trol. II he were thus to act they might pass laws which he would be forced to obey, though in conflict with his agreement. Under existing circumstances my present actual power is confined within narrow limits. It is my duty at all limes to defend and pro tect the federal property within the seceding States, so tar as thi3 may be practicable, and especially to employ tfie constitutional means to protect the property of the United States, and to preserve the public peace of this the seat of the federal government. If the seceding States abstain from any and all acts calculated to produce a collision of arms, then the danger so much to he deprecated will no longer exist. Defence and not aggression lias been the policy of the administration from the beginning. But whilst I can enter into no engagement WHOM; UIIIBER, 2944. | such as that proposed, I cordially commend to Congress, with much confidence that it will j meet their approbation, to abstain from passing any law calculated to produce a collision of arms, pendinz the proceedings contemplated by the action of the General Assembly of Virgin ia. lam one of those who will never despair of the Republic. I yet cherish the belief that the American people will perpetuate the Union of the Stales on some* terms just and honorable to ail sections of the country. I trust that the mediation of Virginia may be the destined means, under Providence, of ac complishing this inestimable benefit. Glorious as are the memories ol her past his tory, such an achievement, both in relation to her own fame and the welfare of the whole country, would surpass them all. JAMES BUCHANAN. TAKIJVGTfIE CENSUS. "Madam, will you please inform rne of the number of inhabitants in this house?" "Sir ?" "The people in this mansion." "Well, there's eight in the room overhead." "How many ? Eight ? Are they all adults ?" "No, they are Smiths, except two boar ders." "Smiths ? Black or white smiths, mad am ?" "I'd have you to know I don't live in a house with niggers." "I didn't allude to color, I onlj meant their calling." 4 'o, that's it, is it; well if you had been here last night, you'd found out, for they were call ing the watch as loud as they could scream." "Madam, I merely wish to know how many people you have in this house, and what they do for a living ?" "Yes, yes, now I understand. Well, let me see ; there's the two Mullin's—that's one— "That makes two madam." "Well, if you know best, 'spose you count 'em yourself." "It is rav business te "'quire." "Well, you'd better aitead to it then and don't bother me." "I'm out with the cpnsus, and—" "Well, you act out of your senses, I should think, to come into my house asking such ques tions." "It is in accordance with an act of Congress, madam." "Well, you tell Mr. Congress, that he acts very foolish in sending yon 'round axinz such shaller, silly questions." !TF"Tbe steamer Dug-out was about starting for Salt River, and the cabin boy had just re turned, after spending $25 for stores, when tuis Boy— Well, Captain, I've come on board with the small stores. Captain What have you bought ? Boy—l spent twenty-four dollars for whis key and one for bread. Caytain —Thunder! what are you going to do with so much bread ? The following unique Valentine was receiv ed by a lady : "soft is the doun on the butterfiie's wing it is so soft and meak soft is the voys that my tru luv does mrg But softer yet is her crimson cheek." The following is the lady's reply : "Solt is nature all smashed up, As soft as smash can be ; But softer yet is the silly swain Who wrote that verse to me." following inscription is said to have been found on a head board at a grave in Spar ta diggins in California : In memory of John Smith, who met a wirelent death this spot IS hundred & TO too —He was shot by his own pistil!, it was not one'of the new kind but a old fashioned one bras barrel and of such is the Kingdom of Heaven. !IF*"I say, Pete, does you know how dev keep oysters from smelling in de hottest of wedder?" "I doesn't link 1 does, Sam; how do dey do 'em ?" "Why, dey fuss cut dar noses off, and den dey can't smeil noffm. 0, yah, yah, what an unpenumtration tuscumerey niggar you is." quack doctor advertises to cure, among other incurable diseases, Marcobommzzarris, Abdelkader, Hippopotamus, Potato Rot, Hy drostatics, Inflammation of the Abominable Re gions, Ager Fits, Shakinquaker visits, and all kinds of Anniversary. Mail Bag publishes, among other singular addresses on letters, the following ; "Postmaster, there is in We3tboro', Mass., A chap named Samuel Brackett, And you'll oblige the stupid ass, By handing him this packett." ft5 = *"Biliy, my boy," said a short-sighiej, rather intemp®rate father to his son, a bright eyed little fellow 'of five summers, "did you take my glasses "No, pa ; but ma guesses as how you took 'em 'fore you come home." fCr"The most direct method of determining horse power—Stand behind and tickle his hind legs with a briar. [£p"The Lafayette (Ind.) Courier warns peo ple against taking "spurious notes on the Boone Count) Bank, as they are no better than the geuuine." VOL. 4. NO. 27.

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